roommates

if you read this, you would know more about how i felt and why things are the way they are... but you might not want to face reality or truth or me... that is probably why we don't talk about it... if we talked, we might work out the stuff in the way, the stuff we are not happy about, the stuff that creeps up and causes our tension and mini-explosive moments... relationships of any kind can be tolerated for mutual benefit, but they improve when honesty actually happens and they are frustrating when frustrations are not discussed and resolved... if you read this, you could ignore it... the way you ignore the clutter most of the time... but the frustration bubbles up and bites us now and then... i can only guess that for you this is an acceptable trade off so you do not have to delve into the reasons for your betrayal of trust... for me, your not delving into it prevents me from trusting you or processing the betrayal... so we live in clutter and disarray and neither of us like it but i let it be and add to it because the frustration of lack of trust is unresolved and you have your reasons that you do not share when i ask... if you want to de-clutter, talk about it... that's the first step of doing something about it... if you read this...

oh look, a squirrel...

sometimes a waste

sometimes i have no clue what to say or what to write in some situations or blogs and this one brings me to that point after months of silence (that may or may not show in the date stamps if sudden inspiration comes at some other date and time to fill in all the blank dates and times and spaces and such like that if you know what i mean), and while the human race marches steadily closer to either destroying the world like or at least itself (i think the planet can survive this latest infestation) like a cancer does (or maybe it's the well-intended delusions (or random linkage) that bring us to these points of reference that no one really wants to follow or remember or realize or understand, even, but then, whatever you believe, sometimes it's just a waste of time to even attempt communication when it is not language that separates us, but perspective as no language can bridge unyielding opposing perspectives...

was that shit you just stepped in?...

1 Corinthians 13:11

did you ever consider that maybe it meant When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child. Now that I have become a man, I have lost the child. In other words, in accepting the concepts of being grown-up and taking responsibility, you lose the wonderfully clear perspective of innocence and simplicity that leads to truth that only children maintain...

of course you who wants to face that depressing thought...

it might suggest that everything we think we know is wrong and more specifically, that becoming a man means becoming the self-destructive suicidal ignorant fear-filled beings that any child can see we are...

oooo, look at the pretty butterfly...

not just for the shock value

but it's just so easy to pluck on human fears and prejudices and without buying into them, it's just too easy to find the ridiculousness and stupidity and even the danger of believing in things you don't understand and then you suffer (thank you stevie) and while i mock and laugh, i really pluck in the hope that awareness and awakening and enlightenment might come out of the provocative words you read here instead of just anger or disgust or some ignorance judgment...

what?...

bestiality is wrong unless the beast is on top

disrespect for the office of the president of the united states reached a new low this year and somebody wondered if it was the unspoken subliminal racism still festering like a python's gobutit under the liberal equality preaching that am radio jocks love to profess as if they invented tolerance when we all know they are smirking at the gullibility of their audience and when i saw the billboard nigga fooled us in '08, neva again! as i was driving a very rural and of course religious stretch of i10 across the south sprinkled with anti-abortion and pro-military billboards and i knew somebody must be right so kick a chicken across the road and call it macaroni as if it is righteous brothers, or indignation, or at least indigestion as the millionaire lowlife are coming out from under their rocks to wash their stinky socks in public again because it is a presidential election year... and god save the queen...

the cat and the canary (or mouse)

the advantages of being the cat...

the cat can dominate the space of a smaller animal such a a canary or a mouse and then needs to do nothing more than wait for the canary or mouse to get used to the limits and lack of freedom and make a mistake allowing the cat to pounce, to react, and therein leaving canary or mouse to run or fly in circles (or into walls) in panic mode wondering what he or she did wrong... that is why the cat can smile as it does, for it just does what a cat does, trap, wait, pounce, and the poor canary or mouse just appears foolish and helpless for being such easy prey...

the secret to escape for the canary or mouse is patience... the cat can become just as complacent, it just takes longer but in that time the canary or mouse can identify escape paths that the cat cannot reach and then, in time, use one of those paths when two conditions are met - the canary is truly ready to reach the safe zone AND the cat is away for sufficient time to allow the entire journey to the safe zone to be completed without interference...

patience is the essential tool and skill that must be mastered for this escape... and the canary must remember that the cat is already a master of patience for cats are lazy by nature and quite conditioned to set traps and wait for their prey to forget it is trapped and tired of the limits...

in many ways humanity is playing this cat and canary (or mouse) game as there are a few cats in charge with most of the wealth and power keeping billions of canaries (or mice) trapped in daily routines that allow very limited thought or intimacy or creativity or freedom (and we call it the work ethic, another name for poverty, another name for the trap)...

and in the bigger picture, nature is the cat and humanity is the canary (or mouse) trapped in this limited existence called life on earth and humans rush through life trying to escape from natural limits while nature waits patiently for humans to make that one mistake that ends human existence...

make today a patient day :)

circumcision anyone?

a thought too far from acceptible is beyond belief (sort of a play on words)... humans would not accept eating their children as some species do, but who is to say that the other species who have survived for millions of years longer than humans have are wrong?... if humans continue populating the planet and refuse to control birth rate and resource use, the logic of survival of the fittest could overrule any construct of morality ever created... the rule of human rights is well justified in our current moral, but who will be the humans that have rights when there are too many humans and not enough food, water, and living space for all?... morality is not a constant... is it moral for survivors of a plane crash to east other survivors to survive or should all who survived the crash die?... is the story content of lord of the flies just a fiction that could never happen?... we humans think we have the answers, but there are so many possibilities we would never accept as acceptible based on our experience and concepts of right and wrong... such expansion of freethinking is beyond science as we know it, beyond belief as we know it... we depend on what we know of the universe and life on this planet to judge what is right and wrong, but everything we know could be wrong... survival in this universe may take a whole different way of thinking, feeling, logic, reason, science... it is my belief that we do not know enough to judge anything as finally right or wrong... what if this life is the hell imagined by many and after this life comes a whole different consciousness that is not about right and wrong... or what if this life is a meaningless blip that we take way too seriously and try to control with the illusion of control?... children are abused by thought and fear much more than any physical damage that can be done, but to make anything illegal we narrow our thought stream to contemporary knowledge on this small planet and while i do not argue against doing that, i just point out that it is not freeing our minds to the infonite possibilities... humans like to make things personal, egocentric, microcosmic... i am bringing an infinite universe of possibilities concept to the conversation, trying to reach well being my experience in life to what could be logical from a very different experience... or maybe i am just babbling to challenge our thinking... anything is possible :)

questions

a midget walked up to me the other day and asked, "if i come out of the closet do i need to give up all my straight friends? and i thought for a moment and responded, "only if they are homophobic and will not open their mind to overcome their fear" and as i turned to go a girl in a wheelchair rolled over my toe and asked, "if i admit i am an atheist do i have to give up all my god-fearing friends?" and i winced for a moment and replied, "only if they do not live up to their holy words to love and leave all judgments up to their gods" and a young man spoke up suggesting those with delusional fears are not cabable of actually being friends in the first place and a young girl spoke up and said those with closed minds are not cabable of actualizing love and the last thing i remember as i left the room was the sound of gunfire and i thought to myself, "maybe some questions are not meant to be asked"...

will the human who is not a sick control freak please stand up

but blinded by their fear, they do not see and worse, they expect everyone else to see their fear as the only way to see, their way as the only way to be... from the grand master plans of religious zealots to the singular psychosis of a mass murderer to the singular neurosis of an individual obsessive compulsive person to the collective suicidal insanity of the seriously delusional human race, their fear is death to life...

oh, is that a pineapple in your lap?

sucks to know

yeah like so sometimes i feel like i am invading someone's privacy when i watch a vlog or read a blog and someone is pouring their heart out about something, but they put it out there and it sometimes hits just the right nerve in me so i feel like i not only want to hug them and offer support and cheers, but also i want to thank them for waking up a part of me that i let sleep a lot these days cuz i work so much and don't have any consistent personal deep thinking time... it sucks to know too much, to feel to much, to be sensitive to the insensitivity and cruelty that is so commonplace in every action almost every person takes, including me...

what?... why do birds suddenly appear?

what?

i don't feel like sleeping even though i must be awake and alert in a few hours even if no one stays awake with me, even recovering from the kick in the head infection that spun me around this week and is it all in my mind (and my doing what?... could it all be a fake after all?... all life's a stage and it's all an act what?... the fool on the hill knew it all along what?... are we still in a parenthesis what?)... there are times when i look in the mirror and do not recognize the person looking back at me, no, what?... how did i lose touch with the man in the mirror and where is the child i know as me, oh, precious innocence what?...

what?

all the love

sometimes i think of all the love i've offered, given, shared, received... i think of all the people who i loved and gave myself to, giving everything is how i love... and i think of how much i enjoyed the giving, feeling wanted, feeling needed, feeling the wonder of feeling important to someone else... the feeling of caring shared, even if it is an illusion, it is the most wonderful feeling (and are feelings not just thoughts in the head and when shared, thoughts in two heads)... and then sometimes i think about where it's all gone, and that's just it, it's gone, the sharing is just a solitary illusion, a memory in my mind, still, a wonderful feeling... and then sometimes i think of why all the people went away and how they took everything and left me here alone and i don't like the feeling much cuz the why does not make sense, the why feels bad... why do all the people take the love and leave me here alone... don't they know there is more love... don't they want my love anymore... that can really start feeling bad, like a thumbs down judgement of me... self-pity can come like a dark cold wave and swallow me and all the love feels empty, useless, worthless, unwanted, so very sad...

that's when i try to forget...

so i can remember...

all the love...

911

who was really calling 911?...

the answer depends on which side you are on... if you see both sides, then you see the true answer to the question... but before you do, you change the subject cuz that is easier than facing truth...

there was nothing here

so i put this here simply because i so miss the illusion (or delusion, but that would/could/should make it real, at least homo-internally, or something like that/this?) that sharing everything without inhibition could possibly be done with another human who accepted and adored me (and mutually, me too) as i am for who i was and never ever would turn away or abandon me no matter what i did for however long i did i cuz that's how strong the love of a life can be even if some warped part of the brain set out to prove the unconditionaly love trust thing wrong so that's why even if nobody else ever really truly (actually) understands (if only someone cared enough to read and absorb every word)... i am still right here waiting... there is always hope... cuz i hope...

checks?... also, jessica alba and phoebe cates...