sometimes ridiculous

everything is perspective... the amount of time we are alive in this life is infinitesimal when viewed in geological or astronomical perspectives... compare 100 years to 4,500,000,000 years... both approximations for the life of a human and the life of this planet Earth... and the universe is three times older than the Earth, again estimating... and was there nothing before the universe?... i doubt it, as nothing comes from nothing, as far as we know (and size is an even more perspective dependent theory, concept, and reality)... and that is the rub upon rub upon rub, everything we know could be wrong, or at least a whole lot of it... not even counting all the delusions accepted as truths and all the other mental illnesses distorting human knowledge even more (it is amazing humans have survived as long as they have, whether you think it is thousands or millions of years, but those are other stories), ya know?... ultimately, knowledge is sometimes ridiculous and humans are even more ridiculous when we think we actually know anything beyond the shadow of doubt...

i mean, are butterflies really free?...

sometimes a waste

sometimes i have no clue what to say or what to write in some situations or blogs and this one brings me to that point after months of silence (that may or may not show in the date stamps if sudden inspiration comes at some other date and time to fill in all the blank dates and times and spaces and such like that if you know what i mean), and while the human race marches steadily closer to either destroying the world like or at least itself (i think the planet can survive this latest infestation) like a cancer does (or maybe it's the well-intended delusions (or random linkage) that bring us to these points of reference that no one really wants to follow or remember or realize or understand, even, but then, whatever you believe, sometimes it's just a waste of time to even attempt communication when it is not language that separates us, but perspective as no language can bridge unyielding opposing perspectives...

was that shit you just stepped in?...

fuck a duck?

of course that is not as awkward as suddenly remembering you have a penis when a child climbs on to your lap... i wonder about people who forget they have super sensitive nerve endings in their genitals, i mean, do they just turn them off somehow?... or perhaps they don't and just learn to hide it well... is that perversion?... perhaps you are uncomfortable with this conversation that you are not participating in... no worries, it is almost over and like all the other conversations you have not participated in, it will shortly be replaced by another conversation you can ignore... perhaps we forgot the title of this blog, aye?...

oh, well, just look at the time... off to church with you now...

or bed, if you've been up all night like me...

either way, nite nite :)

mixed slices

not alone, always in a crowd, well, almost alway, and yet, all alone...

working as the glue no one wants around to hold together the broken pieces of a disfunctional family, it's a thankless job, but someone's gotta do it, or so the story goes...

there must be better ways to "make a living"...

meanwhile, all i ever wanted was the one... true love... family... forgives everything... true love... forever... or it it just the illusion of never being alone... illusion or not, it is real when it is shared, committed, said and done, and i said it and did it and still do... i remain true to my word, my promises, my love... and the only one... so were they all liars or thieves or just frail imperfect humans excused by their god or some delusional excuse for shirking responsibility?...

what's the difference...

that is, what is the point of the most important writing ever if no one ever read it?... so the story continues (to be written), day after day, carved from whole cloth, created from the (e)thereal imagination between the lines... and if only for my amusement, so be it...

here and there, home and away, work and play, mixed slices...

new phone?

all the love

sometimes i think of all the love i've offered, given, shared, received... i think of all the people who i loved and gave myself to, giving everything is how i love... and i think of how much i enjoyed the giving, feeling wanted, feeling needed, feeling the wonder of feeling important to someone else... the feeling of caring shared, even if it is an illusion, it is the most wonderful feeling (and are feelings not just thoughts in the head and when shared, thoughts in two heads)... and then sometimes i think about where it's all gone, and that's just it, it's gone, the sharing is just a solitary illusion, a memory in my mind, still, a wonderful feeling... and then sometimes i think of why all the people went away and how they took everything and left me here alone and i don't like the feeling much cuz the why does not make sense, the why feels bad... why do all the people take the love and leave me here alone... don't they know there is more love... don't they want my love anymore... that can really start feeling bad, like a thumbs down judgement of me... self-pity can come like a dark cold wave and swallow me and all the love feels empty, useless, worthless, unwanted, so very sad...

that's when i try to forget...

so i can remember...

all the love...

911

who was really calling 911?...

the answer depends on which side you are on... if you see both sides, then you see the true answer to the question... but before you do, you change the subject cuz that is easier than facing truth...

there was nothing here

so i put this here simply because i so miss the illusion (or delusion, but that would/could/should make it real, at least homo-internally, or something like that/this?) that sharing everything without inhibition could possibly be done with another human who accepted and adored me (and mutually, me too) as i am for who i was and never ever would turn away or abandon me no matter what i did for however long i did i cuz that's how strong the love of a life can be even if some warped part of the brain set out to prove the unconditionaly love trust thing wrong so that's why even if nobody else ever really truly (actually) understands (if only someone cared enough to read and absorb every word)... i am still right here waiting... there is always hope... cuz i hope...

checks?... also, jessica alba and phoebe cates...