all the love

sometimes i think of all the love i've offered, given, shared, received... i think of all the people who i loved and gave myself to, giving everything is how i love... and i think of how much i enjoyed the giving, feeling wanted, feeling needed, feeling the wonder of feeling important to someone else... the feeling of caring shared, even if it is an illusion, it is the most wonderful feeling (and are feelings not just thoughts in the head and when shared, thoughts in two heads)... and then sometimes i think about where it's all gone, and that's just it, it's gone, the sharing is just a solitary illusion, a memory in my mind, still, a wonderful feeling... and then sometimes i think of why all the people went away and how they took everything and left me here alone and i don't like the feeling much cuz the why does not make sense, the why feels bad... why do all the people take the love and leave me here alone... don't they know there is more love... don't they want my love anymore... that can really start feeling bad, like a thumbs down judgement of me... self-pity can come like a dark cold wave and swallow me and all the love feels empty, useless, worthless, unwanted, so very sad...

that's when i try to forget...

so i can remember...

all the love...

911

who was really calling 911?...

the answer depends on which side you are on... if you see both sides, then you see the true answer to the question... but before you do, you change the subject cuz that is easier than facing truth...

the unexamined head

how did it go?... not alone, not on a hill, yet still, well, not still either, not at all... so busy rushing through the day to search and rescue, to access and provide information, to investigate and conclude judgement, and above all else to sell the best face i can paint on the business of providing psychiatric care to children for profit...

must need to have my head examined...

you could have had sex

but you hide in fearful delusions because you really were not good enough...

stratusvarious

once there was a madhouse, high and tall,
walls crept over with vines…
older than the nature, hear the call,
said he was a friend of mine…

gazing up at starlight, gave my all,
some will smile, some will frown…
would it even matter, afterall,
if no one was looking down…

what am I looking for…
what am I hoping for…
what am I craving for…
attention, nothing more…

once there was a loner, high and lost,
fear distorted his mind…
in his lonely wanders, damn the cost,
equal can be suicide…

what am I looking for…
what am I hoping for…
what am I craving for…
to be loved, nothing more
to belong, nothing more
to be me, nothing more

but who dares to know the truth
that sets us free?...
to belong, to be loved,
to be anything, first,
one must be

there was nothing here

so i put this here simply because i so miss the illusion (or delusion, but that would/could/should make it real, at least homo-internally, or something like that/this?) that sharing everything without inhibition could possibly be done with another human who accepted and adored me (and mutually, me too) as i am for who i was and never ever would turn away or abandon me no matter what i did for however long i did i cuz that's how strong the love of a life can be even if some warped part of the brain set out to prove the unconditionaly love trust thing wrong so that's why even if nobody else ever really truly (actually) understands (if only someone cared enough to read and absorb every word)... i am still right here waiting... there is always hope... cuz i hope...

checks?... also, jessica alba and phoebe cates...

are you running from something?

why else would you be here?

vaccines (no apparent awareness)

old people don't need to get the shot cuz they'll be dead soon anyway... make sure all kids get the vaccine though, and young adults are especially important to take the shot... there wasn't enough takers during the first round in spite of the big fast death scare and scarcity of vaccine scare implanted in the cultural psyche by the news media... and the second scare had a better turnout for the drug, but the data shows there is still too much of the population missed in the innoculation process so gear up for a third scare in the new year that will hopefully get the reluctant bodies to accept the change so the transition can occur with minimal visible coercion and no apparent awareness...

what's the title of this blog?