roommates

if you read this, you would know more about how i felt and why things are the way they are... but you might not want to face reality or truth or me... that is probably why we don't talk about it... if we talked, we might work out the stuff in the way, the stuff we are not happy about, the stuff that creeps up and causes our tension and mini-explosive moments... relationships of any kind can be tolerated for mutual benefit, but they improve when honesty actually happens and they are frustrating when frustrations are not discussed and resolved... if you read this, you could ignore it... the way you ignore the clutter most of the time... but the frustration bubbles up and bites us now and then... i can only guess that for you this is an acceptable trade off so you do not have to delve into the reasons for your betrayal of trust... for me, your not delving into it prevents me from trusting you or processing the betrayal... so we live in clutter and disarray and neither of us like it but i let it be and add to it because the frustration of lack of trust is unresolved and you have your reasons that you do not share when i ask... if you want to de-clutter, talk about it... that's the first step of doing something about it... if you read this...

oh look, a squirrel...

sometimes ridiculous

everything is perspective... the amount of time we are alive in this life is infinitesimal when viewed in geological or astronomical perspectives... compare 100 years to 4,500,000,000 years... both approximations for the life of a human and the life of this planet Earth... and the universe is three times older than the Earth, again estimating... and was there nothing before the universe?... i doubt it, as nothing comes from nothing, as far as we know (and size is an even more perspective dependent theory, concept, and reality)... and that is the rub upon rub upon rub, everything we know could be wrong, or at least a whole lot of it... not even counting all the delusions accepted as truths and all the other mental illnesses distorting human knowledge even more (it is amazing humans have survived as long as they have, whether you think it is thousands or millions of years, but those are other stories), ya know?... ultimately, knowledge is sometimes ridiculous and humans are even more ridiculous when we think we actually know anything beyond the shadow of doubt...

i mean, are butterflies really free?...

1 Corinthians 13:11

did you ever consider that maybe it meant When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child. Now that I have become a man, I have lost the child. In other words, in accepting the concepts of being grown-up and taking responsibility, you lose the wonderfully clear perspective of innocence and simplicity that leads to truth that only children maintain...

of course you who wants to face that depressing thought...

it might suggest that everything we think we know is wrong and more specifically, that becoming a man means becoming the self-destructive suicidal ignorant fear-filled beings that any child can see we are...

oooo, look at the pretty butterfly...

not just for the shock value

but it's just so easy to pluck on human fears and prejudices and without buying into them, it's just too easy to find the ridiculousness and stupidity and even the danger of believing in things you don't understand and then you suffer (thank you stevie) and while i mock and laugh, i really pluck in the hope that awareness and awakening and enlightenment might come out of the provocative words you read here instead of just anger or disgust or some ignorance judgment...

what?...

fuck a duck?

of course that is not as awkward as suddenly remembering you have a penis when a child climbs on to your lap... i wonder about people who forget they have super sensitive nerve endings in their genitals, i mean, do they just turn them off somehow?... or perhaps they don't and just learn to hide it well... is that perversion?... perhaps you are uncomfortable with this conversation that you are not participating in... no worries, it is almost over and like all the other conversations you have not participated in, it will shortly be replaced by another conversation you can ignore... perhaps we forgot the title of this blog, aye?...

oh, well, just look at the time... off to church with you now...

or bed, if you've been up all night like me...

either way, nite nite :)

realigion

the real ligion, or legion, as some spell it, is coming and after a major cataclysmic event that whipes out tens of millions of people including the president, the republican nominee is elected into the new west coast white house and declares marshall law because paranoia runs rampant and fear grips what is left of the usa and the mormon christians lead all the other christians into a holy war that first secures canadian and south american oil reserves to protect them and then invades the middle east selling the jews as the chosen people so they support the war even if they don't know they are to be born again and anyone opposing the latter day saints army suddenly start disappearing in droves and some underground opposition are calling the new mormon president the anti-christ and then the news is blacked out and the sky falls...

see, the mayans left this message on my answering machine...

christian bands

from what i hear, some christian musicians are writing some beautiful music and meaningful, even relevant lyrics in spite of being clinically delusional...

brother can you spare a quarter note?

the cat and the canary (or mouse)

the advantages of being the cat...

the cat can dominate the space of a smaller animal such a a canary or a mouse and then needs to do nothing more than wait for the canary or mouse to get used to the limits and lack of freedom and make a mistake allowing the cat to pounce, to react, and therein leaving canary or mouse to run or fly in circles (or into walls) in panic mode wondering what he or she did wrong... that is why the cat can smile as it does, for it just does what a cat does, trap, wait, pounce, and the poor canary or mouse just appears foolish and helpless for being such easy prey...

the secret to escape for the canary or mouse is patience... the cat can become just as complacent, it just takes longer but in that time the canary or mouse can identify escape paths that the cat cannot reach and then, in time, use one of those paths when two conditions are met - the canary is truly ready to reach the safe zone AND the cat is away for sufficient time to allow the entire journey to the safe zone to be completed without interference...

patience is the essential tool and skill that must be mastered for this escape... and the canary must remember that the cat is already a master of patience for cats are lazy by nature and quite conditioned to set traps and wait for their prey to forget it is trapped and tired of the limits...

in many ways humanity is playing this cat and canary (or mouse) game as there are a few cats in charge with most of the wealth and power keeping billions of canaries (or mice) trapped in daily routines that allow very limited thought or intimacy or creativity or freedom (and we call it the work ethic, another name for poverty, another name for the trap)...

and in the bigger picture, nature is the cat and humanity is the canary (or mouse) trapped in this limited existence called life on earth and humans rush through life trying to escape from natural limits while nature waits patiently for humans to make that one mistake that ends human existence...

make today a patient day :)

circumcision anyone?

a thought too far from acceptible is beyond belief (sort of a play on words)... humans would not accept eating their children as some species do, but who is to say that the other species who have survived for millions of years longer than humans have are wrong?... if humans continue populating the planet and refuse to control birth rate and resource use, the logic of survival of the fittest could overrule any construct of morality ever created... the rule of human rights is well justified in our current moral, but who will be the humans that have rights when there are too many humans and not enough food, water, and living space for all?... morality is not a constant... is it moral for survivors of a plane crash to east other survivors to survive or should all who survived the crash die?... is the story content of lord of the flies just a fiction that could never happen?... we humans think we have the answers, but there are so many possibilities we would never accept as acceptible based on our experience and concepts of right and wrong... such expansion of freethinking is beyond science as we know it, beyond belief as we know it... we depend on what we know of the universe and life on this planet to judge what is right and wrong, but everything we know could be wrong... survival in this universe may take a whole different way of thinking, feeling, logic, reason, science... it is my belief that we do not know enough to judge anything as finally right or wrong... what if this life is the hell imagined by many and after this life comes a whole different consciousness that is not about right and wrong... or what if this life is a meaningless blip that we take way too seriously and try to control with the illusion of control?... children are abused by thought and fear much more than any physical damage that can be done, but to make anything illegal we narrow our thought stream to contemporary knowledge on this small planet and while i do not argue against doing that, i just point out that it is not freeing our minds to the infonite possibilities... humans like to make things personal, egocentric, microcosmic... i am bringing an infinite universe of possibilities concept to the conversation, trying to reach well being my experience in life to what could be logical from a very different experience... or maybe i am just babbling to challenge our thinking... anything is possible :)

questions

a midget walked up to me the other day and asked, "if i come out of the closet do i need to give up all my straight friends? and i thought for a moment and responded, "only if they are homophobic and will not open their mind to overcome their fear" and as i turned to go a girl in a wheelchair rolled over my toe and asked, "if i admit i am an atheist do i have to give up all my god-fearing friends?" and i winced for a moment and replied, "only if they do not live up to their holy words to love and leave all judgments up to their gods" and a young man spoke up suggesting those with delusional fears are not cabable of actually being friends in the first place and a young girl spoke up and said those with closed minds are not cabable of actualizing love and the last thing i remember as i left the room was the sound of gunfire and i thought to myself, "maybe some questions are not meant to be asked"...

will the human who is not a sick control freak please stand up

but blinded by their fear, they do not see and worse, they expect everyone else to see their fear as the only way to see, their way as the only way to be... from the grand master plans of religious zealots to the singular psychosis of a mass murderer to the singular neurosis of an individual obsessive compulsive person to the collective suicidal insanity of the seriously delusional human race, their fear is death to life...

oh, is that a pineapple in your lap?

mixed slices

not alone, always in a crowd, well, almost alway, and yet, all alone...

working as the glue no one wants around to hold together the broken pieces of a disfunctional family, it's a thankless job, but someone's gotta do it, or so the story goes...

there must be better ways to "make a living"...

meanwhile, all i ever wanted was the one... true love... family... forgives everything... true love... forever... or it it just the illusion of never being alone... illusion or not, it is real when it is shared, committed, said and done, and i said it and did it and still do... i remain true to my word, my promises, my love... and the only one... so were they all liars or thieves or just frail imperfect humans excused by their god or some delusional excuse for shirking responsibility?...

what's the difference...

that is, what is the point of the most important writing ever if no one ever read it?... so the story continues (to be written), day after day, carved from whole cloth, created from the (e)thereal imagination between the lines... and if only for my amusement, so be it...

here and there, home and away, work and play, mixed slices...

new phone?

sucks to know

yeah like so sometimes i feel like i am invading someone's privacy when i watch a vlog or read a blog and someone is pouring their heart out about something, but they put it out there and it sometimes hits just the right nerve in me so i feel like i not only want to hug them and offer support and cheers, but also i want to thank them for waking up a part of me that i let sleep a lot these days cuz i work so much and don't have any consistent personal deep thinking time... it sucks to know too much, to feel to much, to be sensitive to the insensitivity and cruelty that is so commonplace in every action almost every person takes, including me...

what?... why do birds suddenly appear?

all the love

sometimes i think of all the love i've offered, given, shared, received... i think of all the people who i loved and gave myself to, giving everything is how i love... and i think of how much i enjoyed the giving, feeling wanted, feeling needed, feeling the wonder of feeling important to someone else... the feeling of caring shared, even if it is an illusion, it is the most wonderful feeling (and are feelings not just thoughts in the head and when shared, thoughts in two heads)... and then sometimes i think about where it's all gone, and that's just it, it's gone, the sharing is just a solitary illusion, a memory in my mind, still, a wonderful feeling... and then sometimes i think of why all the people went away and how they took everything and left me here alone and i don't like the feeling much cuz the why does not make sense, the why feels bad... why do all the people take the love and leave me here alone... don't they know there is more love... don't they want my love anymore... that can really start feeling bad, like a thumbs down judgement of me... self-pity can come like a dark cold wave and swallow me and all the love feels empty, useless, worthless, unwanted, so very sad...

that's when i try to forget...

so i can remember...

all the love...

911

who was really calling 911?...

the answer depends on which side you are on... if you see both sides, then you see the true answer to the question... but before you do, you change the subject cuz that is easier than facing truth...

you could have had sex

but you hide in fearful delusions because you really were not good enough...

stratusvarious

once there was a madhouse, high and tall,
walls crept over with vines…
older than the nature, hear the call,
said he was a friend of mine…

gazing up at starlight, gave my all,
some will smile, some will frown…
would it even matter, afterall,
if no one was looking down…

what am I looking for…
what am I hoping for…
what am I craving for…
attention, nothing more…

once there was a loner, high and lost,
fear distorted his mind…
in his lonely wanders, damn the cost,
equal can be suicide…

what am I looking for…
what am I hoping for…
what am I craving for…
to be loved, nothing more
to belong, nothing more
to be me, nothing more

but who dares to know the truth
that sets us free?...
to belong, to be loved,
to be anything, first,
one must be

vaccines (no apparent awareness)

old people don't need to get the shot cuz they'll be dead soon anyway... make sure all kids get the vaccine though, and young adults are especially important to take the shot... there wasn't enough takers during the first round in spite of the big fast death scare and scarcity of vaccine scare implanted in the cultural psyche by the news media... and the second scare had a better turnout for the drug, but the data shows there is still too much of the population missed in the innoculation process so gear up for a third scare in the new year that will hopefully get the reluctant bodies to accept the change so the transition can occur with minimal visible coercion and no apparent awareness...

what's the title of this blog?